The Simpsons Quotes
“Brush With Greatness”
Bart: Hey, who’s the moptop with the big schnozz?
Homer: How would you know anything, boy? That’s Ringo Starr! Your mother must’ve painted this, I guess she thought he was kinda cute.
[Homer finds more Ringo paintings]
Homer: What? Hey! What the? GRR! MAAARGE!
Mr. Smithers: Have you ever painted the rich and powerful?
Marge: Well, no, just Ringo Starr.
Mr. Burns: Ring…go?
Mr. Smithers: He was the drummer for a rock and roll combo called The Beatles, sir.
Mr. Burns: Beatles, eh? Ah, yes, I seem to remember their off-key caterwauling on the Sullivan show. What was Ed thinking?
Ringo: Dear Sally, in response to your letter of December the twelfth, 1966, me favourite colour is blue, and me real first name is Richard. Thanks for the snapshot, you’re a real cute bird. Love, Ringo. P.S. forgive the lateness of my reply.
Weatherby: Mr. Starr, tea and crumpets.
Ringo: Just set it over there.
Weatherby: Sir, if you’ll forgive an old Brit his impertinence, your devotion to your fans is nothing short of remarkable.
Ringo: Well, Weatherby, they took the time to write me, and I don’t care if it takes me another twenty years; I’m going to answer every one of them.
[Ringo picks up a large envelope]
Ringo: Hello, what’s this? From Springfield, U.S.A.
[Ringo sees painting]
Ringo: Dear Marge, thanks for the fab painting of yours truly. I hung it on me wall! You’re quite an artist! In answer to your question, yes, we do have hamburgers and fries in England, but we call french fries “chips”! Love, Ringo. P.S. forgive the lateness of my reply.
“Homer’s Barbershop Quartet”
Nigel: You’ve got “it”! All except that police officer, yuck, too Village People. You’ll have to replace him.
Crowd: Wiggum forever; Barney never!
Skinner: We need a name that’s witty at first, but seems less funny each time you hear it.
Apu: How about The Be Sharps?
Group and Nigel: Ha ha ha ha ha!
Nigel: Gentlemen, you’ve just recorded your first number one.
Homer: Wait ’til I tell Marge!
Nigel: Oh yes… “Bouffant Betty”. Well, I would prefer we kept your marriage a secret. You see, a lot of women are going to want to have sex with you, and we want them to think they can.
Homer: Well, if I explain it to Marge that way, I’m sure she’ll understand…
Reporter: Principal Skinner, you’ve be referred to as “the funny one”. Is that reputation justified?
Skinner: Yes. Yes it is.
Homer: Then came the greatest thrill of my life.
George: Hello Homer, I’m George Harrison.
Homer: Oh my god. Oh my god! Where did you get that brownie?
George: Over there, there’s a big pile of ’em.
[Homer makes gleeful noises and eats brownies]
Homer: Oh man…
George: Well, what a nice fellow.
Lisa: I can’t believe you’re not still popular.
Bart: What’d you do? Screw up like The Beatles and say you were bigger than Jesus?
Homer: All the time! It was the title of our second album!
Homer: Where’s Barney?
Skinner: Oh, he’s with his new girlfriend, the “Japanese conceptual artist”.
[George sees The Be Sharps singing on the roof]
George: It’s been done.
Homer: I’d like to thank you on behalf of the group and I hope we passed the audition.
Barney: Ah ha ha ha ha… I don’t get it.
“Lisa The Vegetarian”
Apu: I know it is not easy to be a vegetarian, Lisa.
Lisa: That’s why I ran away from home.
Paul: What? She’s leaving home?
Lisa: Wow, Paul McCartney! I read about you in history class! But where’s your wife, Linda?
Linda: Right here, Lisa. Whenever we’re in Springfield, we like to hang out in Apu’s garden in the shade.
Paul: We met him in India, years ago, during the Maharishi days.
Apu: Back then, I was known as the fifth Beatle!
Paul: Sure you were, Apu.
Apu: You know what, Lisa? Paul and Linda are vegetarians, too. In fact, Linda has her own line of vegetarian entrées.
Lisa: Apu, I’m sure the last thing they want to talk about is—
Linda: We weren’t satisfied with the other vegetarian meals on the market. You’d be surprised how often you’d find a big hunk of pork in ’em.
Paul: Linda and I both feel strongly about animal rights. In fact, if you play “Maybe I’m Amazed” backwards, you’ll hear a recipe for a really ripping lentil soup!
Lisa: When will all those fools learn that you can be perfectly happy simply eating vegetables, fruits, grains, and cheese?
Apu: Ooh! Cheese!
Lisa: You don’t eat cheese, Apu?
Apu: No, I don’t eat any food that comes from an animal!
Lisa: Oh… then you must think I’m a monster!
Apu: Yes, indeed, I do think that. But, I learned long ago, Lisa, to tolerate others, rather than forcing my beliefs on them. You know, you can influence people without badgering them. It’s like Paul’s song, “Live And Let Live”.
Paul: Actually, it was “Live And Let Die”.
Apu: Well, whatever, whatever, it had a good rhythm.
Lisa: I guess I have been pretty hard on a lot of people… especially my dad. Thanks, you guys.
Paul: Lisa, before you go, would you like to hear a song?
Lisa: Wow, that’d be great!
Paul: Okay, take it Apu!
[Apu plays bongos and sings while Paul and Linda dance]
Apu: I’m Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club man, I hope I will enjoy my show!
[Lisa backs away slowly]
Lisa: While I was gone I got some really good advice from Paul and Linda McCartney!
Homer: Rock stars… is there anything they don’t know?
Paul: There you have it, Simpsons lovers. Oh, and by the way, I’m alive. [backwards jibberish]